HypeDad Fatherhood Fight Club soap

Conclusively Inconclusive: My First Two Months of Fatherhood

Fatherhood

Hi. My name is HypeDad and it’s been two months since my last post.

Hi, HypeDad.

Yes, this is the introduction to the erratic blogger’s therapy group. It’s been two months since my last post, which officially makes me the spasmodic blogger I said I’d never become. Then again, I said a lot things before becoming a father. Funny how parenthood changes all of that.

It’s no coincidence my blogging absence aligns with the birth of our first child. I’ve been busy parenting, which I’ve learned is not dissimilar to Fight Club.

The first rule of Parenthood is: You do not talk about Parenthood.

The second rule of Parenthood is: You DO NOT talk about Parenthood.

Because before you have a child, parents young and old tell you to have kids, that you’ll be great parents, and raising a child is best thing they’ve ever done. Talk to those same people after you have a child and suddenly they pull back the curtain on this chaotic world of exhaustion and dishevelment. You’re a part of the club now. You’ll bond over diaper blowouts and cleaning vomit at 2am. You’ll talk at length about how going out for coffee requires a detailed itinerary and a car full of stuff. And now when you see two parents in sweatpants pushing a stroller, black beneath their drooping eyes, you nod to each other as if to say, “You are not alone. We’re in this together.”

But while my lawn is overgrown with weeds and our bedroom looks like the aftermath of Hiroshima, I also don’t want to be that whining blogger who uses their platform to exude all the misery in their life. Because it’s really not that bad. You go into parenthood expecting things to change. The hard part is knowing what that change is and how it occurs.

This unknowable change is the truth behind my blogging absence. I always feel the need to write conclusively, wanting to avoid misguided meanderings that offer little value. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to define the changes that occur when becoming a new parent. Thing is, it changes every day. Every day there is something new or different to figure out. The change is gradual and covert. It builds and builds until suddenly you realize you’re now in bed every night before the sun goes down and you can’t remember the last time you had an uninterrupted hour to yourself.

Maybe that’s the reason parents only talk about parenthood to other parents. Because the change is so hard to define. You can say how tired you are or how your whole day was planned around a trip to the grocery store, but that just sounds like whining. And it would still never prepare non-parents for the change that occurs. So why bother?

While “the struggle is real” moments are endless in parenting (just ask any parent anywhere at any time), parenting also provides unparalleled joys. But these joys are just as un-relatable as those struggles. Can you truly express the feeling you get when holding your child? Or the love you feel when you hear them coo? Or the overwhelming euphoria that comes from seeing them smile for the first time? It’s cosmic and profound. It’s also wholly impossible to express in words. I imagine it to be like walking on the moon. You could never know the feeling unless you’ve been there.

So, my conclusive statement about parenting so far? My conclusion is there is no conclusion. I could easily image-craft my way to have you believe parenting is perfect and beautiful and full of flowers. There’s an internet filled with blogs that sell you this dream. I could just as easily have you thinking parenting is nothing but screaming, poop-wiping, and unbearable exhaustion. The internet isn’t short on these blogs either.

Truth is, it’s both. And I expect this duality will continue, well, forever. Maybe this is obvious to many of you. But I’m realizing now that I used to believe parenting was something solvable, that there’s a secret code you cracked or riddle you solved and Voilà! — you’re an expert. It’s taken just two short months to realize this is absolutely, positively, conclusively false.

I mean, unless you’ve got the code, in which case, can I have it? Please?

21 thoughts on “Conclusively Inconclusive: My First Two Months of Fatherhood”

  3. Did you have friends with kids already? Or were you first to have kids? How has that impacted your social life?

    In what ways have you managed to maintain a social rythm in spite of new parenting?

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    1. We did have a few friends with kids. You tend to see them less often after that, lol. They did talk a little about how tough it is, but again it’s not really relatable until you have your own. I understand now why they didn’t with us.

      I have no social rhythm at the moment. The closest I get is work. But outside of that it’s been hard to do….anything. Of course, we’re only two months in and we’re still getting used to our new life. I hope we can build a social component into our life again soon.

      Thank you for the thoughtful questions.

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  4. Well said! And just when you feel like you have things under control, you add another to the mix! Now juggle two littles with very different needs! Then, things getting even crazier when one becomes a teenager- like you swear you just were yourself! Wait, I’m 41, no way! Oh, and just to add to the formula of kids in two different directions with sports, school projects, full time work- start all over again with a third! Ha! Welcome to the ever changing, ever surprising, ever exhausting, wonderful world of parenthood! I guess if our parents survived, we can too! Cheers! 😉

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    1. Parenthood as definitely given me new respect for my own parents! All the stuff they had to deal with that I can’t even remember. Thanks Karen!

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  5. –yeah, I know exactly what you mean. All I am right now is a pregnant mother and it’s hard to avoid whining about that on my blog. We’re getting very excited as the last weeks are rolling away and EVERYTHING is here but the baby.
    From what I’ve gathered speaking to other parents is that everything will seem familiar – yet not. Everything’s shifted, tilted – just a little off-balance at first. Life-changing events have that kinda of effect. 🙂

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  6. I was wondering about the silence… There is no code, but it does get easier. Really, the first 8 weeks are a shocker, I’ve always found at 12 weeks you really turn a corner. I’ve done it three times and that’s my one and only conclusion. I’m now far enough away from babyhood that I feel safe to let my heart melt at tiny bundles… But for a while it is really difficult with your own. And frustratingly hard to capture in words. Well done for striking the balance.

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  7. For the last couple of months I’ve been saying similar things. No one tells you about the first few months and how difficult they are. However, had someone told me before I got pregnant I would have been annoyed with them since it took 4 years of infertility and a round of IVF just to be able to conceive. Postpartum depression is a real thing and I can now understand why so many women struggle with it. I agree with one of the comments above – things do change around 12 weeks. Now I honestly enjoy every moment (she’s just over 5 months old) and we’re getting into a nice routine. Hang in there!

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  8. Nailed it. I’m 6 months in and I can’t write about it because I can’t even begin to organize my thoughts about my little girl into a sentence, much less push that sentence into a post. Plus there’s just so much other stuff to do. 😉

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    1. Agreed! This one was a hard one to approach, but once I got going it was actually one of the fastest I’ve ever written. Sometimes you have more to say than you think, just need to put yourself in front of a computer and see what happens. Thanks for reading!

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  9. You had me laughing and nodding in total agreement. Great post! I remember thinking after we had our first “oh my gosh this is why people kept prying – when are you guys having a baby?! – because they wanted us in on this club that words can’t begin to describe”.

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  10. I enjoyed reading your blog! I work with your wife so I’m sure I’ll be seeing her back at work soon (which will be a whole other adventure for you two). My husband and I are first time parents as well! I have to agree that it took me until after the third month to strike a balance and feel as if we had established some sort of routine with our baby. She is 9 months today. I would say by 4 months I was regularly taking her out and comfortable with it… My husband not too much. He was a late bloomer and probably only felt comfortable when she was about 6 month and only after countless runs to the store and friends houses with me for practice. Now he is a pro and we have our social lives back! Everything gets easier and the more and more interactive they become, the more fun you have with it for sure. We are even considering doing something a little crazy and maybe going for a second soon 😝. Thanks for the good read- keep up the good parenting

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    1. Thank you for the insight! Im definitely a bit nervous for B to go back to work, but we’ll figure it out. Thanks for reading!

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  11. No code to it all Hype Dad. But I will tell you this, being 10+ years since that stage, it only continues to get better, more manageable and truly rewarding. So hang on and know this fact: the tough of the tough nights and days will pass. It will get easier… just ride it out. 🙂

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  12. Parenting is a beautiful journey with rocks, pebbles, boulders, greenery, sunrise, sunset, meadows… It is a path to SELF-DISCOVERY!
    I believe come to us with a MIRROR in themselves, it is about getting to the REALITY of Things – reality of life, reality of SELF, reality of one’s SOUL and that is why it is governed by so many ‘REAL ROUTINES’. If we are lucky, we will look into the mirror but most of the world just shuts the mirror down and then wonders what went wrong?! 😉

    Enjoy the highs and the lows in your self-discovery!

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